By: Jolie Fatale
I am often asked:
“ What are you looking for in a PH (potential husband)?”
or
“What are you looking for? “
(Disclaimer: I only ask for what I am willing to give. The list that follows are all the qualities that I possess and/or attempt to maintain in my day to day. I know that I cannot ask these things of another without first possessing them myself)
The Answer:
Well I think when your young you don’t think about what you should look for in a relationship. All there is “love”. However, as we get older and go through some really tough times and are treated really bad by someone you learn what kind of things you are willing to put up with! You learn that you have a choice! Whether you’re a guy or a girl? Right?
I simply want a partner. Someone to share things with; the good times and the bad. Someone who will work as hard as I do to have the things we want in life. Someone who will contribute as much as I do to the relationship
At the top of the list and not open to compromise – he must be considerate of others in what he does and what he says. I mean all others, not just me. A non-smoker; a non-spitter; clean shaven and financially secure wouldn’t hurt as well.lol
The rest of the list consists of all the usual expectations, such as consideration, kindness, a loving and overtly affectionate nature, a ready sense of humor (but NOT a practical joker!), intelligence (which incorporates having interests and hobbies and can carry a conversation, as well as being reasonably well educated), a person with self-confidence (but is NOT cocky) and so on. A man who is house-trained and is reasonably neat.
In all of this he also must have faith in God. Below are the five fundamental qualities I look for in a mate. These qualities are not exhaustive, but are fundamental attributes to reveal God’s design for my mate and will assist me in the discovery process. These characteristics will seem extremely evident, but yet they are often overlooked. They are non-negotiable
Compatible – Compatibility isn’t necessarily about having identical personalities, as differences can compliment each other. But it is more about the importance of establishing the essentials.
Do we share similar core values?
Do we have similar lifestyles?
A common balance in finances, and social interests
Committed – My PH should be capable of living up to one. A committed person should demonstrate a lifestyle of fidelity in word and in deed. Simply stated, their words should be backed by their actions. I want someone who is committed to God, in particular, during difficult times; and have the ability to seek spiritual guidance.
Trustworthy – Honoring promises is high on my list of requirements in being a person of integrity. A trustworthy mate will seek to respect his words and live up to them
Faithful – A person who possesses this quality will demonstrate an allegiance towards God, myself, and others.
Most importantly for me I’d like my PH to be:
Giving – This quality is not about giving material gifts, but about selfless behavior. The person who possesses this character quality will be centered on giving of himself and putting others first. This person will demonstrate sensitivity towards me and my needs, and the ability to meet those needs. Most notably, a giver will promote opportunities for my growth and support me in them. Their delight will be in watching me grow and to support my growth wholeheartedly.
I recently had to go back and look at this to really remember WHAT THE HECK I AM LOOKING FOR and see if the men in my MANICANE really possess those qualities I seek. A revised roster will be up soon because some just didnt make the cut and I’m not one to waste time.
So are you dating people who have the qualities you seek? What are some attributes/qualites you all look for in a PH (potential husband)/PW (potential wife)?
Jolie Fatale
amen amen amen….
Very good post!!!!! And great qualities to look for too… not too particular, but yet, descriptitve ENOUGH.
Great post Jolie!
I am def in agreeance with what you have listed, especially the faithful. I believe in being equally yoked to that I would have to add:
1) Sense of Family
2) Goal Oriented- I feel you constantly have to have something you are striving and pushing yourself to achieve.
That’s a thorough @ss list Jolie! I can so appreciate that. I love the last quality and agree wholeheartedly dear. I’ve actually been going over and revising my list as well. But dating for me is on pause until I figure this one thing out. But in the future I will be checking the list twice as I don’t feel it is unreasonale at all.
yo straight up…you read my mind…
i was gonna do a “essential 5 qualities post yesterday” But I pulled back on it….
Your list is so similar to mine, it’s scary. Except I had “she gotta have a big booty” as number 1 lol.
@akua: tyvm
@leggysunshine: yeah I didnt think it was too much to ask
@jada: i put dating on pause for a year after my long term relationship ended 2 yrs ago..sometimes its necessary
@whyso: you are a MESS.. big booty.. is number one ..lol oh and GOMH (get out my head)
Ma’am Jolie! I am an only child and need validation! LOL!
When it comes to relationships and “what people are looking for”., I think sometimes people often put the cart before the horse and gloss over what is important in getting you to that point, especially young, black, professionals. Consider that your whole life, you’ve been taught to follow a linear path to success: go to college, get a good job, work hard at your career, A+B=C. However, when it comes to finding a partner in relationships, I don’t believe it can be constrained by a list of this, this, and that because people are different – constantly evolving and are wont to change at the drop of a dime, as are your individual tastes. That guy or girl you thought had it going on two months ago can look different as time goes on. Basically, relationships are something that are organic and you have to appreciate people for who they are…
To build on that, men and women alike say what they want (or feel they deserve), but what kind of things are you doing to attract that kind of person? Are you in the gym if you’re looking for someone fit? Are you doing community service if you want someone who cares about others? I’m not saying that one shouldn’t have standards, but really, no one’s entitled to shit in this lifetime…you’ve got to put yourself in a position where preparation and opportunity meet. Common put it best, “You want a certain type of guy, you gotta reach a certain point too. And at that destination, a king will anoint you.”
@macaroni tony:
You didnt read my disclaimer ?
(Disclaimer: I only ask for what I am willing to give. The list that follows are all the qualities that I possess and/or attempt to maintain in my day to day. I know that I cannot ask these things of another without first possessing them myself)
I NEVER ASK FOR WHAT I AM NOT .. I am everything on this list.. and try to increase my viability daily to the mate that will potentially come my way..
“@leggysunshine: yeah I didnt think it was too much to ask”
Exactly! Some men willl be intimidated, but those should kick rocks!
It is funny how many people go into relationships without any expectations. It is nice to see a gal who actually knows what she wants.
A lot of guys wouldn’t like this list because they don’t get it. But I like it!
Nice list. I would say it mirrors mine. I would have to add Compassion/lLoving quality. I am in a profession where it necessitates that I chew people up and spit them out. Often times, this can leave me detached and closed off from the good things that happen every day in my life. I need a woman who is always aware of that. Someone who will kiss me out of the blue; or send me some corny youtube link to make me laugh.
I need someone who is honest. It is my belief, that love stems from honesty and trust. I am no longer an expert at these games people play now. Just be forthcoming; I’m not the type of guy to sweat a female, so what she does while she’s not with me is not my business; but when I ask a question (any question), I expect it to be answered to the best of said ability. I have no time to decipher and decode. If you don’t want me to know, say that, just don’t lie. My philosophy is someone is man/woman enough to ask, be man/woman enough to answer. Leave the cute talk to the jr. high crowd.
I need a WOMAN. Someone who understands that a relationship is two people. Not me, you, and 4 of your best friends. In the end, what they eat don’t make us shat! (see real talk by R.Kelly) They go home alone. Why for the world of me would a woman seek advice from someone who is not in a relationship? Why would someone not in a relationship even be offering advice? You want to someone to talk to start here: your mother & grandmother. Slowly work your way down through your aunts, older cousins, and sisters…lastly, your friends. Sorry, I was venting a little…carry on.
BlkBond
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